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Tuesday, July 19, 2005

 

COMMENTARY: HOW TO FIX HOLLYWOOD'S AWFUL B.O.


by Don Rose
Editor In Chief, The Rose Review

New data shows movies are not doing well lately. Sure, some say it's because they suck, but I think there's a deeper reason, a multiple cause at play. First, DVDs are killing Box Office; why pay $10 to see a film once when you can own forever for slightly more? AND get all the delectable dvd extras to boot! Second, there's that terrible terrorism, making men and maidens more moored to their moat-protected mansions. Plus, parking's a pretty penny. Tack on time to and from the theatre... people talking in theatres... no pause or rewind in theatres... and it all adds up to one inescapable fact: Hollywood's B.O. stinks.

But relax, Tinseltown, I have a solution: lobby Congress to pass a bill allowing a HOME SUPERTHEATRE ADD-ON tax credit. People are expanding their overvalued homes anyway, to make their price even more inflated, so... come on, John Q. Refi, dont just add a new room, add a new SUPERTHEATRE! Be bold and buy the best of both worlds: THX-dolby-superduper wallshaking theatre sound, whopping theatre size, no parking hassles, no parking fees, no wasted drive time or budget-busting gas expenses, no idiots talking around you, and your own healthy fat free air blown popcorn with no trans fat butter on top.

It's win win win; Helen Homeowner would have no net cost, thanks to the tax credit AND the increased value of her home when she flips it to some sucker at a higher price. Mom could charge Marge and other neighbors to watch films in style if she wants, with all the DVD add-ons too; some 'theatrepreneurs' might even use some tax credit dough to hire ushers and ticket takers, which of course helps job numbers and the economy. Hollywood would win too; their accounting whizkids could creatively concoct a way of using home supertheatre sales to inflate box office figures -- and the bill, if written right, could help Tinseltitans' bottom lines by giving them a cut of every home supertheatre sold.

Heck, I'm sold. Where do I get one? Sure, I need to buy a house first, but I'm excited. Hollywood, get on this, pronto! Before the building bubble bursts, and you make a crappy movie about it.

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